Its simple isn't it!
How to give your cat a pill
Pick up a cat, and cradle as if holding
a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from
behind sofa. Repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy
pill away, and take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bow and cat
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged
between knees, hold front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s
throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Sweep shattered
Doulton figure from hearth. Wrap cat in large towel with head just visible. Get
spouse to hold cat and towel firmly under armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw. force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw. Cheek to make
sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to take taste away.
Apply bandage to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get
another pill Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck with head showing.
Force open mouth with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Put door back on hinges. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy-duty pruning gloves in shed.
Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a
piece of fillet steak and half pint of water.
Get spouse to drive you to Casualty. Sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new dining table. Go to
Vets who puts cat on table. Cat sits while Vet pops open mouth and drops pill
in. Cat swallows pill. Vet says, “See how easy it is”?
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